Friday, May 31, 2013
Like being in the middle of the ocean for days, with nothing but dark clouds and stormy weather, while suddenly one morning, the skies open up, releasing the heavenly beauty that is the sun.
I can hear her across the hall, speaking in muffled tones, leaving at all times of day with other disembodied voices acting as alternate personalities of the same body. I have never really seen her with anyone else, but the voices stick to her nonetheless. She lives in a apartment building on the third floor, just across from me. The place looks as if its been taken straight outta the 60's, with green wallpaper with whites lines racing throughout as if on acid, an nowhere to go. The more you look at them the less they seem to make sense, like one of those illusions that has the stairs always going up, even if it is a impossibility. But back to the woman next door. I have always been one of the shy ones, always wanting something to happen but too scared to go out an do anything about it myself. So instead she sits there, behind the proverbial glass walls like some museum piece. She has knocked on my door a few times though, mostly to borrow some random kitchen utensil, or some ingredient she forgot to buy from the grocer down the road. She has a somewhat unconventional beauty to her, not too be rude, I am just saying that she does not look like those factory sealed models that are indistinguishable from each other. The ones that dawn each and every magazine or commercial that even remotely has anything to do with the male side of the genome. I see her on the street sometimes on her way too or from her apartment, with her blond hair a beautiful mess, that partially covers the glasses that she dawns so perfectly. She always has on some flowered dress that would seem more appropriate back in the fifties. An as she walks by, off in her own little world, I wave to her each an every time. But she normally just looks on in confusion, or not at all. I have gotten myself to go across the hall a few times to ask her to lunch or dinner or something, but every time I freeze and end up asking some stupid strange question that makes me look even worse. Its odd though how she doesn't recognize me when our paths happen to somewhat meet on the outside, as if she blanks me out after every encounter we might have.
I can now suddenly hear quite the commotion coming from outside my door, sounding as if its a screaming match between two disgruntled people. I take a quick peak outside acting like a concerned citizen( or a peeking Tom) and find her standing there staring off down the empty hallway." Is everything okay?". I ask somewhat whispering(even though I am not sure why). She looks over, sobbing, and wipes the tears from her eyes the best she can, although it just works to smear her mascara. Is it bad though, that now I find her even more beautiful than i usually do. Maybe its just the close proximity, or her most vulnerable state. Or maybe I just see myself as some Knight in shining armor riding off towards the castle to save the damsel in distress." Yeah, I will be fine". She tells me." Its Beth, by the way".
"Yeah, we have met before". At that we pause, standing in the hallway staring at each other wondering where to go next." Did you want to come in, have some coffee or something?". I can see the gears working as she mulls this over, as she is not yet certain if she wants to go along with this ride( but I don't blame her)." You are allowed to say no, I was just thinking you wanted someone to talk to". I pause, think over what I said, and continue." Or something". She smiles, one of those smiles that can crack mountains, like being in the middle of the ocean for days, with nothing but dark clouds and stormy weather, while suddenly one morning, the skies open up, releasing the heavenly beauty that is the sun. As I ask her to come in I instantly regret it, I have been in love with this woman for so long I don't think I can handle the rejection. Maybe this needs to be taken slow, friends first, showing her how good I can be, no matter what. Be the man that every woman wants( except for all the muscles and Brad Pitt good looks of course)." Yeah, that would be nice". She utters, in a almost shy voice. Inside she sits down on the couch while I make some tea in the kitchen, which I am actually quite surprised that I even have, seeing that I am more of a coffee man myself. Beth sits their on the couch with her nerves all out in the open. She looks as if she is in some foreign hostile country, and just looking for ways of escape." Thanks". She tells me, as I put down the tea on the table in front of her." So". I ask, not quite sure where to go from here." Is everything okay, need anything else?". She looks up, with her eyes still misty from before." No, I'm good, I'm good". She replies ending in a whisper." You know". She continues, after a few moments of silence." It wasn't always like this, me and him. When we first met it was like nothing before, he was sweet, funny and caring. But now". She stops, to try to catch her tears before they fall." But now, I don't know, he is like a totally different person. He argues constantly, always wants to know where I am. That is how this all started you know". She says looking up at me for the first time in a bit. As I finally just now sit down beside her, trying as I might to console." I hope I am not out of line saying this, an I know its easier said than done. But it sounds like your better off without him. Your a beautiful, smart, amazing woman". I stop, as if to catch my breath." I'm sorry, I am not very good at this kind of thing".
"No! its fine, thanks. I appreciate it". Silence, now surrounds us, until about a minute later I call out as if it exploded out of me. "How about we get out of here, take a break. There is this little place just around the corner that makes amazing pastries, cakes, you name it. How about it, I'll treat". You can tell she was taken aback by this, an with the sudden look on her face I at once regret what I just said." Yeah". She says back." That would be nice. Just let me get a little cleaned up first". Wiping the already dried tears from her eyes, she walks towards the door, as I am left on the couch not sure if I should follow." Come on". She calls, with what appears to be the first smile I seen since seeing her outside in the hall." There is no reason to be shy".
Her apartment is amazingly neat, as if everything she owns was built specifically for the spot it's in." I will be right back". She tells me." Make yourself at home". Disappearing in the back hallways I sit on the couch watching the city outside the window. Birds every now and than fly by with people in other buildings going about their daily life. It's weird seeing the world from this viewpoint, seeming as if we could be in some city in the sky. It appears almost empty, with only a few buildings jutting up from the ground. I can hear her in the back getting ready, as i have never been in her place before, just at the door looking in. I can start to see kind of why her relationship went sour, she seems to be very trusting, we( according to her anyway) just met and already she invites me in to her apartment so readily, or maybe I am just reading to much into it( which I do happen to do quite easily). Not too long later out she walks, with these short Jean shorts and a white blouse type thing with what appears to be small purple flowers of some kind." What do you think?". Se calls out." Its not too". She pauses for half a second somewhat turning as if to pose like some kind of model." Inappropriate?".
"No, no. Of course not. Whatever makes you happy right".
"Well". She begins." I figured if we are going to go out, I might as well try to enjoy myself, for once anyway".
Outside the sun is out, and the mirages of ones imagination run amok throughout the pavement. The place is not too far, and the people are out in droves, sweating profusely while complaining about it simultaneously. When we get there the place is fairly empty, with seats to the left and right of us and a makeshift path straight through, like Moses parting the red sea. We take a seat in the front by the window after ordering our desired desserts, me a chocolate truffle cake her a half dozen cupcakes with pink frosting." Have you always lived next to me?" She asks, keeping her voice down, as if people are listening in from other tables." Not always". I reply." But I did move in a few years ago". Putting her cupcake down, staring at me looking like she is in quite the mode of concentration." I find it hard to believe that I went all this time without noticing you".
"Well". I say." I do have a tendency to do that".
"To do what?". She asks." You know? Blend in, into the background. I guess I just have a forgetful face". She smiles at this, and takes another bite from her cupcakes. I catch myself staring at her, every now and again. The weird thing is though is that she doesn't seem to mind, just looking up every once and a while with that partially goofy grin she tends to get when in a apparently good mood. After we're done eating we find ourselves back outside, with me taking the lead thinking that we are heading back home, but just before she stops me." Lets not go home". She says." At least not yet".
"Oh". I spit out, as if in second nature." Do you have anything in mind".
"Well I know this is a Tad odd". She begins." Since we just technically met, but I thought maybe a walk in the park would be a nice way to end the day".
"Yeah, that sounds wonderful". I tell her. The park is not too far from here, as downtown has Parks a plenty. The one we end up going to is basically a makeshift forest with pathways throughout like the veins of a over muscular body builder. Every so often as if from nowhere an open field will show up. Every time I go it seems as if those fields in question move around like some kind of freakish haunted forest. Though the place is beautiful this time of day, with the trails covered over in shade with only barely a peak of sunshine coming through the canopy. Most of the time we spend is in silence, just enjoying the scenes of nature. We spend so much time in the hustle an bustle of the downtown core that it is nice to get out to the sounds of mother nature. I always feel As if I am getting some system reboot, a chance to clean out all the junk you pick up in the midst of a overrun and polluted city. At the end of it all, and still not saying a word, we find ourselves back once more at our apartments." Thanks!". She says." That was exactly what I needed. Sorry I didn't talk all that much, but I have so much on my mind you know".
"Yeah, no problem". I tell her." Anytime you need anything, I am right across the hall". She stays silent at this, instead communicating through a quite unexpected hug. I can feel the warmth of her body against mine, and I can't help think how right this feels. As if getting us together is filling some kind of prophesy, or destiny, like we were meant to be together, two lost puzzle pieces that just so happen to fit side by side.
The rest of the day is spent holed up in my apartment, somewhat watching for the door as if for some reason she will run in wanting to see me. I try to get my mind onto some other task to forget about this, but to no avail, as one eye is always on the look out. It's hard to pay attention to anything you might be doing when one ear is attempting to do its own thing. Especially when your eyes are following right behind. Have you ever had that feeling that you might be losing control of your own body, that you end up doing things that you end up questioning afterwards, wondering why you did them in the first place. Its a strange feeling, almost as you are floating on a thin blanket of fog, an no matter how much you may fight, you cannot stop yourself( an sometimes, you don't want to).Throughout the rest of the day all is quiet, which actually is a bit odd, figuring I do live in a apartment. Buts its not just that, usually I can hear some type of sound coming from her place, be it music, TV, or just her uncanny ability to for some reason slam the door without even trying. I wanna go over and knock, see if all is alright, but one day ( about a hour or two really) of hanging out when she was at one of her(apparently) low points, doesn't really signify that I am a big enough presence in her life to do so( but again, I am probably just over thinking it). Don't get me wrong, its not like I have a glass to her walls or anything, but my ears do tune into her station more than my own. The whole week goes much the same way, an by the middle I stop trying. Going back to my normal routine finds to be a little bit of a challenge, after being with her that one day it has given me the first real breath of what a relationship may somewhat be like, as I have never had one myself. At least not a real one anyways. I have had a few one nighters, but for one reason or another could never get to the long term. I haven't even been on a date in quite some time, not that I have really tried all that much as of late.
About a week later though I hear the distinctive hum of her ever creaking door, like a song you hear on the radio you know all too well. I wanna run out, give her a hug, and maybe console her, but that would more than likely just scare her off. Which is the opposite of what I am trying to do. I have thought of why I feel so attached to her though( in which I do feel) and other than the usual stuff i am at odds to figure out why. Maybe in some part of my mind I believe its the easiest route to take. I mean, why not try to court someone I already met, would be easier than going out and meeting some stranger. But there is just something about her, that I can't readily seem to be able to put my finger on, she just has that ability to drive men ( at least me anyhow) crazy. Like some tractor beam I can't seem to try to struggle my way out of. I do know one thing though, she is beautiful, like a gem, that just needs a little dusting off to see the real beauty below, its just a shame that people can't see it below the layer of proverbial dirt.
The next day from when she arrived, I hear a knock upon my door. I immediately twitch in excitement, as a few hours before I heard a few whispers of two people talking, only to be followed by the slamming of some door. On the other side of it I find her, once more, with newly acquired tears that unfortunately seem to frolic down her face. Its strange, she seems to be in distress, but looks to be somewhat partially happy." Come in, please, come in?". I repeat in a nervous tone. She takes a seat on the couch in silence, wiping the tears from her eyes as if to get herself to a presentable manner." I'm sorry to always come over like this, but you were just so helpful the other day".
"Its fine". I tell her." I am always here with whatever you need, no matter". The rain outside is fallen, like the proverbial heroes of old, and its doing so so heavily it seems as if it might flood the city. I bring her a cup of tea, just the way she likes it, she stirs the cup around a bit making the liquid end up in a vortex of sorts, as she stares at it watching what it might do." You remembered". She suddenly calls out, as if finally gasping for air." Well, how could I forget". I pause." You're the only one who drinks tea around here".
"Not to mention the only person that comes over?".
"Is that I joke". I say." Coming from you, well that's hard to imagine". She laughs, a very infectious laugh at that. Maybe the first one I have really heard coming from her. As we sit on the couch, side by side, with our legs dangerously close to touching, I feel as if I should ask her about what happened, if anything happened at all. Seeing that I didn't actually see anything, I full on realize that I might be wrong. But I hold back, as I do not want to seem as I am forcing myself upon her, it would possibly just scare her off. When she is ready to talk, she will." Do you mind if we watch some t.v". She suddenly blurts out in a strangely calm voice, as if she is at once okay where her path now leads." Yeah".I say." Be my guest".
Friday, May 17, 2013
It's like a twilight zone episode, where you wake up one morning to find your in a different time(or body) only its not a television show, and you woke up to find your forty. An the person you see looking back at you is no one you readily recognize. All that you can think of, is how did it get to this? How did this happen to me,.. of all people. Like someone accidentally hit the fast forward button, and by the time you figure out how to turn it off, the damage has already been done. Or like a majestic eagle, that has been put in some cage at the zoo for your viewing pleasure(it just kind of loses that majestic edge). An before you know it, your wings have been clipped, (to finish off that metaphor). So you cling to the past, while hardly enjoying the present that is presently happening, to only later on in life go through the whole ordeal once more.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, when you first awake, and wondered who it is exactly that is looking back at you. You get that minute or so of confusion as you are half asleep at the current time, and even though you might be fully awake your mind hasn't quite caught up to you yet. But slowly the brain makes the trip and you eventually recognize the person that stands in before you. What would you do if that feeling never went away, if you had to go through the day, the month, or year feeling like your living in somebody else's body. How exactly would that feel, I would imagine, like an organ, that the body is currently trying to reject.
An what, I could only think, would people's reactions be. Would they notice at all, or would there be some sort of flux in the fabric of reality, like Marty going back in time and changing the future of his family. Only to realize he is the only one that realizes that things have changed. I think about these things at times. How my life might have been different if I had only been better looking, more athletic, or anything else that might find me more attractive to others.
When I eventually go to work that day I can see the nonchalant looks on the eyes of others. Pretty much the same as before. But as I trek ever farther in things take a turn, for better or for worse. "Hey James, your looking good today". She says as she continues to caress my arm." I am good". I tell her." Thanks". She continues to touch my arm, with a look in her eyes that I can't say I have seen before. As if her eyes are gleaming like the oceans beneath the sea of the sun-drenched skies. So as I now sit in the lunch room with the television blaring through the walls of the( I can only imagine) deaf ears of the other employees that stare incessantly like trained zombies, it happens,once again. I know what I saw this morning, but this just seems impossible, doesn't it, like a dream you can't quite awake from. But as with most dreams, they have a tendency towards turning to nightmares, and I can't help but wonder what will happen with this. But also, I cannot help but enjoy it. "James!". She says, as if she is surprised that I found my way back." How good to see you again". Its Jules, this girl that works in the office part of things. She hardly ever says a word to me, usually communicating with scowls and scornful eyes." Oh, Jules". I tell her, in a confused tone." How are things?".
"Good James, good". She tells me, taken back a little, though as she sits there looking into my eyes, I can feel the questions that run through her mind." Is everything okay, you don't seem like yourself". She says to me.
The lunch room is getting busy, as it normally does at this time. People force there way in to get ready for another day of work, and as you look around its hard to find a excited face in the crowd." I am okay, thanks". I say trying to be polite." Its just been a weird morning". Giving off a slight chuckle she chimes in once more." Yeah, I hate those mornings". Outside(of the lunch room) I stand there in tow awaiting the arrival of the exact minute to punch in. I feel like we are all reenacting that one scene from metropolis. But as we all walk back for our daily meeting, a strange feeling begins to crawl over me, and as I take a look around I see customers, and employees alike, glancing over at me with the utmost look upon there faces, as if they are unsuccessfully trying to hide the smile they now support. An as a sudden crooked smile starts to suddenly emerge upon my face, this lady comes up toward me with a big grin. I don't think I have had the privilege, as I do not recognize her. On her name badge that adorns her chest is her name, Jill, apparently. "James!". She calls out enthusiastically." How are you? You still seem to be somewhat sporting a bit of a hangover from last night, huh! We definitely gotta do that! again". I look at her, quite discombobulated, an probably unsuccessfully trying to hide it. As, an I might be mistaken, I was at home last night, doing not much of anything( an most likely I am not mistaken)." Yeah, definitely. I am most surely up for it". At this she smiles, touches my arm, and disappears once more into the crowd of people from whence she came. It has been a weird morning, and its only getting worse. Even now, knowing full well what I saw this morning in the mirror, I got to continually check it up to make sure this isn't some dream state freak-out. As if I am walking on air, it just doesn't feel real, as if everything is a little blurry. Like desperately trying to fix those rabbit ears on your TV to get the one channel that doesn't seem to want to cooperate.
I have always found it quite interesting how the smallest change can have such a snowball effect. I now know for some unknown reason appear to be slightly ( a lot to be honest) better looking, and the ones around me have a total change of attitude towards me. In which brings me to another point all together, how exactly was I with Jill last night when I know full well that I was at home, sleeping. Normally speaking, I would figure this to be a total and utter impossibility, but seeing my current predicament is obviously possible. I guess most people in my position would be wondering how exactly I got into this in the first place, its like a less freaky version of Kafka's metamorphosis. But there is not much use in such theoretical thinking in these such terms, as it has happened, an does not seem to be fading away all too soon. This other mystery though, does seem likely to cause certain problems in this case, as there is only so long I can pretend to know what's going the hell on. About a hour or so into my shift, not much has happened, a smile here an there, a wave from plenty of unlikely sources. But as I am stocking out a few things in one of the isles, something, or someone I should say, catches my attention. Its one of those moments when you have to kind of rub your eyes, or take a double take. I end up like a zombie, or Frankenstein's monster, slowly lumbering towards this person trying to make out what exactly I am looking at. An as I get closer, an my eyes suddenly become at once focused, I still, even though there he stands right in front of me, cannot believe what I am looking at." Hey!". He says, obviously a little freaked out, at me lumbering towards him." How's it going?". An with that, he walks off, never looking back. And I just stand there, paralyzed. How could this be, if that( I pause) was me, than who the hell am I?.
I eventually go on my break, hardly ever opening my ears enough to figure out what others might be saying. So I keep mostly to myself for the remainder of the day. What exactly would you do in a situation like this, run towards this obvious impostor shaking him by the shoulders screaming' what the hell are you doing?'. I really do not think that is the best course of action here, as much as I may want to. I need to be calm about this, and figure out who the hell I turned out to be this morning. Although I always wanted to be better looking, this though, this is just weird. But I will say, it does have its advantages.
As does happen, I make my way back home eventually finding myself in front of the mirror staring at myself, touching the skin, pinching my cheeks as if I will find it to be all a illusion. But to no avail. Maybe when I awake tomorrow I will find it all to be some strange dream, like going to school and realizing you are not wearing pants. Maybe when I dream I will dream about being myself, some kind of weird switch on the normal run of things, or maybe, just maybe, I was always dreaming, (and only now, have I finally been awakened ).
The next morning a sudden realization hits as I once more somber off into the bathroom with eyes still struggling with the fact that it is(in fact) morning. An I don't think I need to tell you what exactly I see when I stare off into that mirror. But I now know that this is not going to go away, it's not going to fade off into the background of reality, so I might as well start to live with it. The problem is, is that there is two sides to this; one is the fact that in all honesty its nice to be noticed, to have girls come comfortably talk to me and know that I am popular with them. The other though, is the real kicker. I know full well that the only reason they might possibly like me is for my looks, which aren't even my own. I mean, can I continue to do this knowing full well that this apparent attraction is only skin deep. Its a question that I struggle with at my current pedicament. So there it is, not exactly life threatening, but as I make my to work, an eventually look off to all the people that at once ignored me, I cannot help but think of all the times that I have been left out in the cold, while everyone else moves and shakes in groups while later asking why I wasn't there(but never bothering to invite me to begin with). I know all too well that in every man there is an evil, and why at points good men go bad. But only now have I begun to realize, that sometimes, people just can't help themselves. One just has to hope to always have a handle on things.
A couple hours into work on my first break a few girls come up and sit next to me, chatting away on their own before eventually turning to me as if they just noticed that I am there." James?". They ask." Are you coming tomorrow?.
"Coming to what exactly?". I tell them thoroughly confused. As I say this they sorta of chuckle slightly to themselves as if they share the same mind, or body." The party silly, didn't anyone tell you?".
"No, no they didn't". I say." Nobody seems to tell me anything".
"Well we are telling you now". They add, almost in unison." Yeah, I think i might be there".
"Great, than we will be seeing you". They say as they wander off to another table, an me back to work. The rest of the day is kind of a daze, like everything is moving in slow motion. But never soon enough the end comes and I again once more succumb to sleep, still wondering if tomorrow I will awake to my normal self.
As I continuously stare at myself in the mirror the next morning, I keep on thinking I will eventually blink an be my normal old self again. But as with the last two days, nothing happens. An even with all that, I can't help but think about this whole thing I have to go to tonight, I do have a somewhat plan of action, but I keep on thinking twice about it, I guess we will see how things go. The good an evil parts of me can't help but fight for domination of my soul. An the worst thing is(at least for now) is that I don't know who is currently winning. The day goes by fairly fast, the place is busy so it usually helps. All throughout the day though, random employees come up to me asking about the get together tonight, which usually consists of them talking about getting (in their words, not mine) smashed. Adolescent males tend to do that, at once thinking it makes them cool as in the eyes of others its just kinda dumb( unless its other adolescent males of course).
Even though I get the directions from of one the girls at work I still end up a little lost, but eventually end up finding the place under trial and error. It ends up being the house of one of the people from work, but I do not know which. This whole thing is strange and distant, I end up sitting in my car trying to figure out how to act, and wondering if I am acting out of character or not. I am trying to just throw myself into this without freaking out but it's like some weird acid trip, as I am not really sure if what I am experiencing is real or not. I keep thinking that maybe I should go back, hide out at home till this thing blows over. But with time it passes(at least somewhat) and I get up courage enough to go head on in.
Inside, I am greeted once again by Jules, almost as if she was waiting by the door like a predatory cat." James, James James". She repeats." Late as always I see". She says with a scowl, that quickly turns to laughter." Come on in!". She pauses." Grab a beer". At this she practically drags me to the back kitchen as I struggle to keep up, bumping into people as we squeeze through the crowded mess, like making your way through the Amazon, while at once getting lost in the thicket of trees. Which (the kitchen, i might add)actually is quite surprisingly empty, with only a person or two scattered throughout. The wall behind us that divides the rooms is dressed with one of those windowless windows that don't seem to be there for any reason. A kind of 70's art decor maybe, as the place doesn't seem to have been updated since than. Almost reminds me of that house from burnt offerings, just a little spooky, once you actually look close enough. Standing there with beer in hands I start to worry about what to say next, until Jane walks in waving her hand around as soon as she see us ( while the beer in said hand continues to spill out chaotically)." Guys, you made it, how wonderful!". She says in amusement." Why the hell are you hiding out in here for?".
"Oh! No reason. Just grabbing some beers". Jules tells her in a calm voice, as if trying to talk down a guy from jumping of the side of a three story building. We all end up going out to the main room mingling with everyone else that ended up coming. As I walk around small conversations start up here and there all the while I can feel the sweat upon my palms begin as I get ever more paranoid for no apparent reason. The place is getting ever more crowded as in turn the music seems to get louder with every body that makes its way here. All the while me and Jules follow Jane around like we are on rails. I first actually met Jane a few days ago when this all started, she touched my arm and told me how I looked. I have always found her incredibly attractive, but she was never the one to pay much attention to me, not so surprising I guess. Funny how life turns out, how one little thing no matter what it might be could send you into a tizzy of being a outcast your whole life. Its like a virus, if it finds even one host it has the possibility to multiply, and in my experience it normally does. Which brings me to a whole other point altogether, if I am that other guy ( lets say James 2) does he know that he is in the wrong body, like I do. Could he actually be here tonight, trying to prove to others who he really is. From his reaction the other day I would guess not, but who the hell knows, maybe there is technically two of me running around( quite the strange thought).
We end up in the back of the room on the couch with everyone surrounding us in what could only be explained as a wall of noise. We sit there for a good hour or so talking about nothing with Jules and Jane on either side of me. After a while Jules gets up and shouts(as to hear her over the noise)." I am going to grab a beer, you guys want one?". Looking at each other I eventually pipe up." Yeah, thanks". I say, motioning towards us both. When one is succumbed to such loud noises, people usually begin shortening their sentences, like cave men, that just learned to speak. Its funny, listening to yourself when your in this sort of state of mind. As we both sit there, the beer has a definite calming effect upon my body, the nerves that were once their are no more, and the whole situation has seemed to have been put off to the back burner. Jane, now sitting there, quietly, beautifully, starts shuffling towards me with a shy look on her face as she continuously looks towards the floor." So?". She says.
" You having fun?".
"Yeah". I respond." It's always nice to have some time to waste, especially with people as yourself".
"Get drunk". She says." Do things you normally wouldn't". Jules now sits beside us, listening in with a curious eye." You two certainly are cozying up to each other". We both look over, looking as if a car is heading our way, and we're not sure yet as to jump out of the way or not." I am just being friendly". She announces, as Jules has a smirk that screams something else entirely(what though, I am not sure. As I have been never that good at reading faces). From there we end up outside on the porch, with the moonlight barely lighting the yard, and the trees that follow. Its quite beautiful out here actually, quiet from the inside masses like a romantic night out with your significant other." I will be right back". Jane states, looking right at Jules as to communicate through means of telepathy. Jules pats me on the shoulder to say they will be right back, an I stand there in silence, with only the crickets and frogs to keep me company. After about ten or fifteen minutes though, i can hear the sounds of footsteps behind me, and as I turn around, only Jane stands there, as if posing." You look lonely". She says, seductively." Its actually nice out here". I tell her." Quiet, for a change". She now leans on the rail, right beside me, with the glow of the moon illuminating her face, she doesn't seem real, this doesn't seem real. But real or not, well.. this is one dream I would rather not wake up from. Its getting late, and the cold air has already begun to roll in, I can slightly feel her next to me somewhat shivering. An so I take off my jacket, and drape it over her body like a cocoon, like a caterpillar, that is finally at once ready to become a butterfly." Thanks". She says, as she shuffles herself ever closer." I don't want you! to be cold though".
"I think I will be fine, as long as your good, I'm good". As we both stand their, staring off into the night sky, I try as I might to not look over at her, its a urge I am not used to passing off, as my nerves now are through the roof. Eventually though, I give in, and see her staring back at me. Her eyes reflect the stars behind us, looking as if they sparkle in the moonlight. I can feel my body slowly melt, as if I am being sucked into some eternal abyss, and am quite happy to oblige at that. We have been staring at each other for a good thirty seconds or so when I suddenly feel my arm upon her hips, as if someone else has taken control. And slowly, surely, I brush her hair back from her face, before we find ourselves in the midst of passion of our interlocked lips. An at that moment, all my problems, the people, the world.. wash away from me, as if I had been cleansed, washed away of all my worldly sins.
" So". She whispers, holding my hand with both arms, seeming as if I might run off or something." Do you wanna go upstairs, where its warm, and quiet". She pauses, as if rethinking what she just said." You know.. to talk". I smile, but just enough to hide the happiness that has exploded from within, like the blooming flowers of spring that punch forth through the earth as if in fast forward." It would be an honor". I mutter, probably somewhat incoherently. Making our way upstairs, hand in hand with me in tow, I stop, looking out in the crowd like I seen a ghost." What's a matter?". She asks." Who is that over their?". I reply pointing off into the mass of bodies to James 2 getting bullied by some other random people." Oh that!". She says in a disinterested tone of voice." He is nobody. Now why don't you come upstairs, I promise what's up their is a lot more interesting than what's down here". I look over towards her with a smirk, as if in confusion." How much have you had tonight Miss Daniels?".( which is her last name)." Enough". she says." Enough".
Its funny, how things work out, how at this very moment I always thought I would do things differently. That when faced with certain situations I would do the right thing. But here I am, walking upstairs with her hand in hand, with what's going on with James downstairs. I have been in that situation many times, but cannot seem to be able to pull myself away from Jane's hand. We end up in one of the rooms on the second floor, inside a bed lays in the middle of the room with weird wallpaper surrounding it. An I cannot get over how beautiful she is, sitting before me motioning for me to come hither(my words, not hers). An at that moment, everything that has transpired, and is still currently, washes away in the midst of this beautiful specimen of a woman, sitting before. So than, right than, I realize how easy we all can throw away or morals for any slice of happiness( usually consisting of a woman) and how I am suddenly no different than those that once bullied me.
The next morning I awake in my own bed, with only bits and pieces of last night still lingering( at least after I found myself upstairs anyways). As I get up and look in the mirror I see myself once again( my real self that is). And I can't help but feel guilty for what happened last night, if in fact it actually did, which I guess I will find out later today. But i do take solace in the fact that I was only really hurting myself, at least, that is what I try to tell myself.
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
I can hear
the rain outside,
or a tidal wave,
that we can see coming
off in the distance,
as it slowly,
tries to swallow us whole.
The very sound
tries to penetrate the skin,
the very essence
with the Howling winds,
pleads, for one last chance,
like a spurned
that wants nothing more
than to be
But they say
Sway to the sounds
That man has long lost,
Like a lover,
That wants nothing
More than to
Lost the ability to hear..