Tuesday, March 27, 2012
She said to me with a smile, and a crackle to her voice. " Where have you been lately". I looked at her with apparent disposition, " around, I have been around".
The place was empty, with pockets of noise coming from some unknown directions, and I can almost see her mouth mimic the words she's about to mutter." You haven't called me lately, I wonder why that is?". almost muttering to herself." I have been busy". And with that she looks at me like she's trying to deduce some mathematical equation, pausing between each sentence almost like she's catching her breath. The place is dark, with the corners of the bar almost unbearably so. The fans whir, and the bartender wipes down the bar trying to keep busy. " Its slow tonight, for a day like today". She looks around quite uninterested, as if she's scanning the pages of a text book. " I guess". Pausing in between with apparent uncertainty. " Your not answering the question, what is the reason for that". Talking like she has no inner dialogue, she tends to speak as if thinking to herself. And the sounds of her voice seem to crack under the pressure of thought. Her eyes are on the verge of death, and I know I should do what I came here for. " Nothing, its nothing, why don't we get out of here, grab a bite to eat". A smile wraps around here face, that seems to even surprise herself. Outside the rain is coming down, and I have found myself in this spot before. Never quite allowing to bring myself to it. I lend her my jacket, and we make our way down the street. The light falls down from the lamps above. And the buildings are silhouettes aspiring to reach to heaven.
Monday, March 26, 2012
In the office the next day the fog has rolled in, surrounding my desk. With a dense forest cutting me off from the rest of the world, I can almost hear the birds chirping in the background distracting me from the job ahead. And everyone is busy being self-absorbed, only making little small talk when they pass by someone. Usually a quick hello or a ceremoniously head nod in which seems to mean I am too damn busy to open my mouth to create a sound of greeting. People are such funny creatures, they don't really tend to make much sense as a whole, even to themselves I suppose. Taking my break at the same time I normally do, I really don't feel like going downstairs to the usual spot, but I force myself anyway. In the coffee shop the tables are oddly empty, with only a few patrons peppering the land. I order my usual and take a seat in front just left of the door. I like to look out the window and watch the world go bye. And as I am off in my own little world I don't notice gail walk in and continue to sit beside me. I look over quite puzzled and quickly surmise that our relationship must have bounded back to its original state. She sits there, in silence for a time. I continue on with my coffee and such trying not to push. Eventually she looks up at me with a awkward smile, she begins telling how this is not how she intended this, and how she never really thought of me in that way, instead feeling pity for me, and stuff like that. Keeping it quick and to the point, gail ends it by saying she is dating someone else in the office now. She doesn't tell me his name before disappearing off into the street, but I guess it doesn't matter. I can suddenly feel the people closing in on me, waiting for what I may do next. Watching intently. I shove my head to the ground and race outside careful as to not see what others may be doing. Feeling my chest tighten its grip on me, I just need a breather. As I begin to calm a bit I start to wonder what exactly happened in there. I thought for sure luck was this time on my hands. As the wave of emotion begins to hit I take a deep breath and swallow, as I make my way upstairs back to my desk. Everyone is quiet now, as if I found myself suddenly in some silent movie. The office feels a little more lonely, don't know why, me and gail never really had a relationship in the first place. But hope is something I apparently have in spades. The day ends in quite uncomfort, my house is cold and the television sits not being watched. I end up falling asleep on the couch with the warm fuzz of the tv echoing out slowly waking me from my sleep.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The clouds up ahead act as mountains, towering above the sky in pillars of white. Coalescing, en twining and rising up out of the curvature of the earth. As the road up ahead slowly disappears into a singular point, and the sounds of cars move back and forth, in and out of existence. And my eyes try to push themselves back to sleep. while the grips of my hands gently slip from the steering wheel, I wake myself up with coffee, and cigerettess. As the rain continues to fall down onto the roof of the car, like the sound thousands all running at once, in the same direction. All the while we slowly disappear, into a singular point..
Saturday, March 17, 2012
And into the murky depthss. As the water rises slowly up over my knees. I notice many eye'ss peaking above the water, watching me, choking me, telling me to head back. This is not the way I want to go, they say. And the water seems to be pushing back upon me the farther I find myself now. The trees are getting thicker, and shadows do scurry across the proverbial landscape. There's dry land in site, just up ahead. Appearing as a almost mirage as it makes its way through the forest into the pupils of my eyes. But my heart does as well tell me to head back, that the road is dangerous, and lonely. Doesn't all men though eventually fight off fear, and envy, of other roads that might be traveled. And the water is getting deeper now, as it attempts to climb up above my chest. So I might as well push on, to see what lies ahead.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
The days seem shorter now, and the pains of reasonable doubt have shuffled off into the murky depths of distant memories, only every once in awhile coming up for air. And I can't remember the last time I felt like this, its oddly unnerving though. But I think I can get used to it nonetheless. And I am already here at work sitting at my desk, with a busy morning behind me of meticously grooming myself trying to look my best. Me and gail have been doing this at work now for about a week. I have been driving myself crazy all morning figuring out if I should ask her out on a real date or not. And as the first break of the day rolls in a strange occurrence happens as we are downstairs across the street having our coffees. She talks. And at length, at least compared to earlier versions of our conversations anyhow. Speaking of life, family and nondescript memories of gone past, she takes long breaks in between without actually saying that much in the first place. She's very poignant and to the point, careful about whatever she says and also stopping herself from saying to much. Fragments here and there as if she hasn't gotten used to the protocols of everyday conversations. Finally I stumble across the actions of asking her out, and she stops almost mid thought giving this look as if she is trying to solve some difficult math problem. She comes back repeating my words while asking if I mean a real date.
I answer with a yes, and she looks at me with some confused eyes, peeking at her watch while agitatingly bringing out that we must go back to work. I got to say I am a bit disappointed at this but its nothing that's all that new. So I give off a deep sigh and follow her upstairs back to work. The rest of the day is slow paced and depressing, everyone here seems to walk in slow motion as I myself is somehow outside of that bubble. I can feel more of a cast out now, watching the villagers, pray, dance, and love as they hop around the proverbial fire. I get more work done now though then normally, as I try to avert my eyes from scanning certain surrounding areas. As lunch comes around I don't have the energy to drag my knuckles outside, so I stay in at my desk while grabbing a few things in from the vending machine in the lunch room. I see that gail is not at her desk, more likely meaning she went to lunch downstairs I am guessing at least. And its quiet in a room full of no people. I should have known this was coming, pushing to hard against surfaces that aren't really there to begin with. The day finally ends dragging its heels against the cold floor. I start picking, and putting away my things as gail in the background does the same. But as I am ready to go I pretend to be busy just so I don't have to pass her by. She is only over ten feet away and I miss her already. As cracks in the floors open up bringing about caverns with broken and fallen bridges peppering the land. And I guess its time to make my way home. I don't think she lives that far from here, as every now and again I can see her walk home in the opposite direction of me. In life and reality the same birds do always sing, and all the buildings appear as ghostly apparitions watching my every movement as if in preparation to pounce. And the people who still walk the streets are but shadows of once past. And at home I can't seem to sit still, pacing back and forth wearing out the carpet behind the couch in the living room as david letterman yells through the tv. I try to sit down but the events of the day keep running around my head,bouncing off my cavern walls giving me a headache. And I can't help but not fall asleep. Trying to calm my nerves I go to the kitchen to make myself a midnight snack, a peanut butter jam sandwich and some grape juice. I sit on the couch staring at the tv trying to forget the actions of the day. Letterman is his usual self, pointlessly funny. His guest today is woody harrelson from some upcoming movie I had no idea about. And finally after about a hour or so at home I feel my eyes start to drift off in the numbness of the unconscious mind. And so it is as I find myself fallen asleep on the couch with the tv on, as I have done once or twice before.
Thursday, March 01, 2012
There's nothing else left for me, so I might as well just stand here/the city she's beautiful when u might as well not even be here
The rest of the day is a slow mess of nerves and dancing fingers. I try to not let myself look over in desperation. Being forever glued to my desk in a sort of self served tunnel vision. She must think I am crazy, always trying to talk myself into not making a complete fool after that in some misinterpreted attempt at happiness. At the end of the day I pack the few things from home and walk downstairs out the door. The city now is dark with a thousand glowing eyes hovering over the streets as if the stars are slowly descending. All the shops are closed or closing, and people still clumsily wander the street looking for the next attempt to lose there ability for good judgment. Reaching my house all is black, so I open the door and immediately turn on the lights in the living room. I put my things back into there little compartments and take my self away on the couch watching TV. I do the same thing pretty much each night, letterman and the daily show. The lights of the TV encompass the room and act as almost strobe lights I would imagine for anyone watching from the outside through the windows. The silence penetrates the room every time I mute the television, and the darkness moves around the room getting ready to pounce when the lights go out. The next morning I get up with the light coming through the window in between the blinds. I get up and make coffee than watch random crap on tv. Everyday is pretty much the same for me. From morning to afternoon and night. A creature of habit you might say. But when you have no friends to speak of there's really no other choice. I get a early start to work this morning and the streets are crowded, after a quick stop for coffee I make my way trying to push myself through the crowds to get myself to work. People walking in the streets blocking traffic as horns are blaring from every direction confusing the ears. I don't own a car and this is precisely why. Walking into the building I see the two twins through the mess of people trying to talk to multiple men and woman all at once. The wait for the elevator is now unreasonable so I head off up and out of the stairs. As I pass gail heading to my desk I give a quick smile and a good morning. She looks up an bares her teeth in a grin and says the same. She has never said that to me before, I wonder if I made a impression the other day, and with that my mind starts to unravel with loosely based possibilities. In the back though, I know I should let things be and move on, how many times have I been in a situation like this and it always turns out wrong. I am not the one to learn from past mistakes apparently. But this lonely life of the ridiculed man needs to come to an end. I am tired of being tired. Every night staring at the box living life through the many images of hugh, sandra bullock and many more like them. For the next hour or so the sweat on my brow pools and coalesces, periodically storming through the castle walls watering down my eyes. Making me every now and than wipe them down with my sleeve. As I am about to get ready to go out for a coffee an unexpected thing happens, and I find gail standing before me smiling a very slight smile. She looks down as she plays with her fingers nervously not really making eye contact. Seeing the bewildered agitations of sweat she hands me a handkerchief and continues to ask if I just might be going down for coffee. As she speaks the words they appear almost broken and unsure as if she can hardly believe them herself. I look up at her and after a short pause finally let out a distant and confused yes. She asks if I will join her and I agree, the walk downstairs is somewhat quiet and perplexing at the same time. I ask about her day, she gives me a quick yet assertive good so far. And I complement her on her looks today and she gets a little red in the cheeks and thanks me. As much as I hate to admit it though, this whole think reeks of ulterior motives, or I may just be paranoid. I can't help but be so confused right now. We get our coffees and take a seat by the window, she gets a muffin while I a scone. And its almost comforting sitting here in silence. I continue in little tidbits of small talk in which I am just a tad more successful than yesterday. She answers everynow and than with the typical nod or bairly visible yes or okay. After awhile though I just kind of give into the silence and enjoy her company . It goes like this day in an out for a few, I will talk a little each day telling her about myself eventually just doing the same and being silent for the most part never quite knowing where she's coming from or why she asks for my company each day. But those moments we have that I begin to look forward to do start clouding over my mind from the rest of my duties each day. I try to be at my best though,opening doors, pulling out chairs and trying to be complimentary without going overboard. And life starts to do a surprising thing, as everything around me begins to gradually fade and move away bringing about a little bit of happiness into this world torn soul.