Monday, December 19, 2011
The motions of the streets are making me sick. And the unkind and disastrous. And the people are mindless, or of no mind at all. But I can't help but see the whitewalls of the back alleys of society. The glowing gestures of but a few are forever ingrained on the complex neurons of the electrical patterns of the brain. And I tend to wander, if not incomprehensibly. The streets start to pile up with the people of the dead. as the cars do choke on themselves. And the buildings have all but raised there hands in some accordance to the closer I get to god. The perhaps better I may be.but Its getting hard for me to walk these streets anymore. As the city she gets smaller. With all the people at my feet. And the cold walls of concrete feel lonely. As I pass through this world as a ghost, a spirit, a figment of ones imagination. Walking through the disobedient walls of the structures of man, and woman alike. So another day has past, where god has not spoken, or has fallen just on deaf ears. Or maybe I have been not listening. And the end of the day seems so far away, a mass of confusion. With fits of clarity, and haze. But the world is what we make of it, or so it seems. The little patches of grass that accompany the street seem out of place now. The trees are distant, and the silence of the air is mystifying. And its time to go back home, to fall back out of this world. But the sun in the sky is beautiful, at the end of the day.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
with a delicate
and did so madly
with a delicate
and did so madly
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 09, 2011
Thursday, December 08, 2011
In the presence of such glorious minds, how have we come, to a time as this. A desolate perversion, if there ever was one. With our once so masterful unwillingness to forgive, forget( and try as we might to not act as god)and all the air is covered in a greyish silence, the hospital seems lonely, and out of place. Downstairs I can hear the distant mumblings of death, and uncertainty. The walls crumble with the voices of the what was once past. The ground here is covered in dust, and no footprints are to be found. I am just about on the otherside of the cafeteria now. Making my way ahead to the front doors all the lights are somewhat on, trying as they might to make there way back to existence. And all the doors are closed, except the two(unusually) up ahead. As I try to get my way nervously past the first open door, something unexpectantly jumps out at me and knocks me to the floor. And I can't tell how many there may be as I punch, and kick, and elbow my way back to my feet. I find two of them, one wearing a tattered grey overcoat with the other brandishing a type of fast food/cafeteria garb. And I am a little bloody, a little bleeding, as it trickles down my face and rests on my cheekbones. So with my cane firmly in hand (and without thinking) I race towards them, tackle one against the wall as the cane merges with the torso of the other. He falls to the floor as in the corner of my eyes I elbow the other as I see him( or it)coming towards me. And with some strange natural reaction I turn around toward him and grab his head as he falls and slam it into the wall behind. So exsaperated, and as always, confused. I figure its no point in dwelling on the problem of how I might have pulled that off. Laying down my head in a sigh of relief, I move on. I am finally passing the cafeteria. And as my stomach grumbles I realize I have not had food yet in quite awhile. But I figure before hand, maybe I should see if I can update my weaponry, as high class as it might be. And with all the unorganised chaos of death, I completely forgot about the bleeding that just so happened to be just now trickling down the side of my face. I think behind me a few doors there was a closet type room for all the stuff they might need( a storage room perhaps). Finding the room unopened, unlocked, and almost as if it has been gone through before. Inside the plethora of junk is neverending, and everywhere. Is there maybe someone here with me, that I haven't seen. Another plane of existence. Or is my imagination getting the better of me. I might not even be here at all. But still sleeping on that bed upstairs.just fighting, wrestling, stuggling with myself. Inside I find a few shovels, some flashlights along with other nonsensical crap. I grab them both and maybe wouldn't mind sharpening the end of the shovel, the way I seen in some movie or tv show I can't remember the name of. But it will be fine for now. And so at that, I make my way off back to the cafeteria. In hopes of once more finding food.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
And the next morning when I awake I still find the darkness clawing up against my bedside. I take a look at the clock somehow hovering above the door attached to the wall, and it has seemed to have stopped at just after four o clock. I am feeling a little groggy, and the world seems a little fuzzed. Taking a look around I find the room empty, but my eyes are still grasping to get used to the night. I make a ill attempt at getting up off my bed as I bump in all sorts of unidentified objects. All the beds are sitting silent empty devoid of any human interaction. And I notice something that I just happen to notice, in the far left corner the tv is on with the unheard sounds of white noise washing over the rest of the room. But it doesn't seem to give off any sort of light. As I make my way a little closer I suddenly hear the eerie silence of footsteps somewhere outside the door. And for a second I find myself paralyzed. Unable to move. I eventually get my footing and slowly go towards the door. As I take a slight peek around I find all but empty spaces. The desks, furniture and other miscellaneous hospital supplies are covered in dust and abandoned. How long have I been asleep exactly, or am I just maybe sleeping. I am a little confused, misplaced, or lost. I go to turn the corner once more and in the background appears a object covered in blackness in what appears to be a human form. And I am not quite sure what to do next. I think to myself for just a second and suddenly I remember the cane beside my bed that I hope is still there. And as I find my way back it is still miraculously still there. For now,anyway, this is going to have to do. Peaking once more around the corner the strange object isn't where it once was. I crouch down back to the wall and make my way across the hall to behind the nurses desk. Slowly looking over I take a quick 180 view of everything around except the wall behind. I get up and make my way around the desk and down the hall just back and to the right of the elevator. All the doors are mostly closed, and so I decide to open one. The little placard on the door says dr. Daniels, and light from inside escapes through the crack between the door and the tiles below. I raise the cane in front of me and attempt to open the door with the end of it. Inside I cautionally turn my head to take a look see . And behind the desk I can see what I can only believe to be the doctor mister daniels. I get a little closer tiptoeing up and gently tap his(with the cane I might add) arm hanging down from the side of the chair. Suddenly the eyes open as I fall back, he jumps over and on top of me and as I struggle to get loose I somehow grab the cane and with the blunt end shove it as hard as I can into his left temple as he twists, convulses and falls beside me apparently stopping moving after a few seconds. And at this moment ain't I happy he has a soft head. Getting up I immediately close the door, and I am as frightened as I have ever been. Now as I really begin to wonder what the hell is happening I find myself frantically pacing around the room, nerves piling up to the rooftops, and palms sweating profusely. I stop and take a look at the body and I haven't noticed before in the frantic pace that just happened to go on. But, he looks odd. I get down on one knee to get a little closer and his pale skin seems colorless, his eyes are colored over in white, and his nails are brittle or all but fallen off. I may not know what's going on, but I know one thing, I need to get the hell out ta here. Rummaging through the desk I find a few things he oddly I might add keeps in some of the drawers. Some scalpel types things mainly, and some rudimentary rope of some kind I can use to tie some of the knives things to the end of the cane, and the best I can do for now can hopefully help immensely. Everything else is pencils, pins papers and other office memorabilia. Stuff I can't see any immediate or future need for. Opening the door it creaks quietly cutting through the silence already in the room. I make sure I look both ways like they taught me way back in grade school.and its dark in the halls when no lights are present. But I do not see anyone at this given time. Or moment. Beginning to head backwards toward the elevator everything is eerily silent. And as I reach the perpendicular hall where my room is still located, I can find no remnants or idea if anybody is around. Slowly making my way to the right to the elevator I can hear oddly shaped sounds coming from down the hall and to the left exactly where I am heading. I stick my head around the corner to see what may be up, and what I find makes me pull back and hide. And maybe I am going mad, having finally lost my mind. Delusional. I do have a somewhat family history of mental illness, mostly on my mothers side. Perhaps I am next in line. Around the corner two men stand, one in a doctors white trench coat and the other in some kind of blueishy smock. A patient maybe. And they don't look ok anymore. Seemingly in the same appearance as mr daniels. And seemingly seeing that I am quite new to this ( and do not want to die) I decide to take the other route. I head back and past the office where this all, all of the sudden, happened. And being quiet is decidedly difficult when the floors squeek so adherantly. And Haven not noticed it before it is now so prominent without all the hussle and bussle of everyone running around. Just up ahead and to the right aways, if I do remember correctly, stands a staircase that can hopefully make my way down. And there is no point in trying to figure this all out yet. And in the echoey silence of the stairwell something stirrs. Footsteps perhaps. And so with a deep breathe of sadness. ( and fear) I begin to make my way down.( To the valley below)
Friday, November 04, 2011
and when i wake up god knows where, when, and everything is out of focus. the sweet pugnent smell of disease wafts through the air, i have had the privilege of being here before. and as my eyes slowly begin to come into focus, i find myself in the germ infested filth we have come to call a hospital. and as you may have noticed i have a slight problem with not germs as you may have thought, but the hospitals itself. you also have to admit though, this one is pretty old now. if i do remember it was built in the early seventies. they had one major overhaul in 84 i do believe. but the money lately has just not been there. and the cords an tubes run out of me like a broken down oldsmobile. and the cracks in the windows have outstretched there arms. the fan almost just above me whirr and spin in a quite annoying matter. but the nurses are absent. i can hear them outside the door making there normal sounds as they run back and forth between each and every room. the white paint on the walls are starting to chip, and the floors, i see, have seen better days . all the beds that surround me are in a most catatonic state as the patients stare at the television, i wonder if they even know that its on at all. as there eyes are unblinking, or it seems that way anyways. i can hear the footprints outside start to get closer, an a young lady nurse walks in and does her rounds of all the other patients. i watch her as she checks the intravenese the trays and hands out some unknown pills every so often. when she finally makes her way to me i begin ask her how i happened to find myself in a place like this. she tells me how someone found me passed out behind some building and pretty beaten up. and her glimmering eyes are in the process of slowly fading. you look tired, she says. and she talks about how i have been here for a night already, and i was brought in last night, but not to worry because its nothing thats all that too serious. some cuts, some bruises but nothing all that broken. and as she walks out she disappears into the white washed lights that don the halls outside my room. i put my head back and look at the ceiling, the lights are buzzing in and out of operation, and the cracks in the tiles are the size of the grand canyon. its quite intricate really, once you start to look at it. as if a whole new world has sprouted out on the ceiling of the hospitals second floor. and i am not really feeling all that tired. so i decide to get up off my feet( i imagine there still working) and take a little stroll around the neighboring halls and maybe visit the food downstairs in the cafeteria. because god knows it doesnt stay with you for all that long. i find myself having a little trouble getting up so i grab the conviently placed cane hanging beside my bed. walking up to nurses desk i let them know i am heading down to the caf and she solemnly moves her head up towards me and nods in a apparent agreement. and the halls are busy with anticipation. as all the nurses and doctors and people of the dead run,walk and make there way through. but out here the floors do sparkle, the lines on the floor that guide us are more often than not faded and worn out. the walls are peculiarly chipped away at the bottom where i guess the wheels of nameless carts has run a hazard. so i think i may like this hospital, it has a certain charm to it. up aways and around the corner a few people are waiting for the elevator. i take a quick view and we are all sitting, staring for the doors to open. and its kind of odd really, they all look well enough abled(except the woman in the wheelchair) why not just take the stairs, this building only has four levels. so as i give a silent chuckle to myself and make my way to the door situated just about ten or twenty feet from the elevator. walking down the cane i am now using does give me a little difficulty, and maybe the people where right about taking the elevator. and in here it almost seems like i am going down a mine shaft or something. and its oddly calming in here, the hospital i mean, not the staircase. other than my nerves that rest in the back of my head i havent thought to much about what may come when i make my way to the eventuality of the outside world. and i dont think its ever come to this before. i few encounters here and there before but i never found myself waking up in here. as i make it to the main level and start my slow descent to the caf i pass the front doors that lead out. and i pause, just for a second or two. but my nerves rattle around inside, trying to get out. i give off a little sigh and go back on my way. its hard to get over a feeling i somewhat had for most of my life. especially since its been confirmed. and the place is half empty, the people sit staring at the food as they eat in a sort of conversation with a maybe friend, but half of them dont look all that interested in what the other has to say. the people who walk past me leaving are watching, staring, wondering what i may up to. so i decide to get in line because all eyes are all the sudden apparently on me, i guess i shouldnt stand at the door way to long. the people behind the counter are all in the mess running around lazily in a unrealization that its not all that busy. and the woman in front of me is haggling them on details or whatever as she is hunched over holding on to the mace like pole that holds up what appears to be some kind of intravenese. an her face shows her age, and ongoing battles. so i decide to get the clubhouse, and a coffee( of course). as i turn around to take a seat somewhere i get bombarded from little to no traffic, an its hard to get used to this as all the diners and coffee shops in my area or town is always usually busy. i take a table in the back away from the windows, and it feels quite lonely sitting here with all the people as they have someone all across from them. i guess i should be used to it. buts its not really something i tend to talk about. and for some reason this place has a warming effect. it probably helps with all the white coats and nurses i feel protected with. but i never had friends in the proper sense when i was young, always felt out of place. as if they never really where my friends in the first place. and the place is starting to get busy, as the sick and diluted swarm in a attempt to push there way through to get the food first. it seems to happen so fast. but i havent really been paying much attention as the time does go quite fast when your all in your head. so it was more than likely a slow build to a convoluted mess. its too bad i missed it. and my legs are starting to lose there balance as i guess i am still a little weak, and tired. well look how this has turned out. the doctors where right all along. and my bones ache, and my legs struggle to get up on there feet. its kind of funny how it just oddly hits you when least expect it. so i finish up the rest of my sandwich as i grab cane and attempt to throw the garbage away. as i make my way out the people are still pushing past me getting ready for the end of the lunchtime rush. i never knew it got this busy. who would have guessed. and as i go i pass the outside doors once again. they still give me a strange feeling at the bottom of my gut. as my nerves start to rack up the so called points as they have a little something to more than likely do with my watery brows. but the doors are creaking open on the surprisingly empty elevator. and so i step in, ready to put this day into the old memory banks. the doors open on the second floor and there are a few people scattered around waiting for the elevator staring at silvery, scratched, and beaten door reminding at once of the night of the living dead movie. and i imagine its quite tough to move around when you have stuff hanging off of you. entering the room all the other people are sleeping, watching t.v or having quite conversations with loved ones and other family members. i used to have some of those, once just a while ago in a blue moon. and my mom is in a nice town about five hours away called benton. i go to see her whenever i can as she is the only real family i got left. i can hear the people beside me talking about family stuff, getting better and how the flowers surrounding him like a own personal botanical garden. and it starts to smell quite nice in here. as i begin to drift off slowly to soothing murmurs of loving thoughts and the sweet scent of the outside world without actually being outside. and its nice to fall asleep at once when your not surrounded by darkness. so i cant help but think, everythings going to be more than likely alright.
Sunday, October 09, 2011
the sidewalks are covered, engrossed in the human filth we try as we might to forget. and the store windows are blinding, as i sneak through the city as if not to get noticed. and the sky overhead is hardly noticeable, as the city tries its best to seemingly hide the outside world. because everywhere you look it goes on forever. the corners of buildings are now filled with fear, and as i stand here i wonder if this is all worth it. so i have been doing this for years. and maybe its time to be a man. but i dont know, the world seems like such a scary place. and my teeth hurt, as the thoughts move around my head. after about five minutes pass, i think, you know what. this is were i am going to take myself back. than i slowly turn the corner as if in slow motion and the unrepentive fear is lodged deep down in the dark caverns of somewhere or other. in the first time in almost forever. i start to feel good about myself. but the people are still non speaking, as the loneliness still pulsates within. but i try for now to push it down in this triumphant eventfullness in my own literary evolution. and i have a slight problem with walking around not quite sure what to do with myself. because the city is as such a silent mistress, and i tried to make friends once. lets just say it did not work out how i had once hoped. i guess its better off in the aspects of life i tend to attend. that is usually how it turns out i find, as the citizens occupying the sidewalk have the distinct ability to walk right through me. so the windows are a blaze with the reflection of the windows. after awhile though of scanning the city while taking residence in my own head, i figure its about time i take a sit down and enjoy the scenery while standing still. and so inside the nearby coffee shop(and yes i know i am addicted) i wait in line to order, in the back of my head the fear is subsiding, as i now order my coffee, double double. i head outside to the patio out front, as the city she dont seem to stop moving. the people coalesce and after watching them for a insubordinate amount of time they begin to be quite difficult to make out one person from the next. but every so often there is just enough room to breath. and as i go to take one final sip from my coffee i find it on the ground after taking a dive as if in exhaustion of being so used and recycled. and i look up and who might you think is probably standing there, the most certainly people i have been trying so hard to not to fear. and so, yet again the fear starts to take over. now flash past the embaressment of bullying to some unknown back alley not too far in the distance. but one might just ask how i could have found myself here. well my friend let me shorten that story for you. we used to have a class or two togethor back in college, he used to copy tests here and there from me because....... well , hes bigger than i am. and when the eventuality of getting caught came to the fore front. i had no other choice but to tell the truth, you know the bullying and all. and with the possibility of getting thrown out for good, that is what i did. so you can guess what happened to him. dont get me wrong, i didnt want to do it, get him thrown out and all. but a hard choice between my future and what would inevitably happen is really not a very good choice at all, but i knew what i had to do was the right thing. and they did punish me, if i remember correctly it was being kicked out myself for a certain amount of time. or something to that order. and in the back alley the light is absent. so i do what any scared dumb kid would do, i went first. and in the knowing of the possibility of an upcoming (and exaggerated) death, who knows what one might do.
Friday, September 16, 2011
And the darkness vibrates, on the streets of death. As the back alleys are monsters. Awaiting in the corners of nowhere. My breathing is inconsistent and the ground is moving slowly. The buildings build up like towers, and the creatures lay sleeping making rustling noises in the corners of my peripheral vision. As the legs rattle, and my mind begins to be fearful of its own imagination. And instantaneously (and with a pool of sweat) i find myself in my house, on the couch with the white noise of the tv humming throughout the living room. And i cant seem to remember how i got here. Or if the alley was in my head or not. So maybe the fear is starting to maybe take over. I get up wash my hands and take a look at myself in the mirror. I guess sometimes dreams could be the death of you. And as i have already found out, life is kind of the same way. I open up the shades in the kitchen and the sun is just starting to make its way above the mountains, and over the clouds. As the light on the microwave says its only about seven in the morning. I go ahead and make some coffee and turn on the t.v. In this early in the morning there is not too much on. And in the background i can hear the coffee maker gurgle and churn and makes its way up to the filter above. I open up my laptop and make my rounds of boredom an inconsistencies. And the net seems to be a new disease, a false promise of friends of thousands that u never get to likely see. So if you have a hard time making friends in some non reality, what ( if any) good do you have in the real world. After a few cups of coffee and a hour or so of doctor who or what have not, i find i tend to make my way to the outside world. And the sun shines its way through the concrete mountains in a most illuminous way. As the people dress accordingly, showing as much skin as possible. Naked without actually being. And i dont know what quite to do today, and the flowers outside my block are beautiful.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
and the buildings are beautiful, and full of life. Everything seems so simple when your staring out a pain of glass, atop the world looking down amongst the insects. But everybodys got to face the truth sometime, or what you make of it anyway. I look down at my empty coffee cup, shake it a bit (in hopes of anymore might be left over) and decide maybe its time to be on my way. I get up off my seat and the streets are crowded. The memory of hiding behind backsides of buildings long gone. But not quite forgotten. And its nice to take a stroll on a sunny day. The wind in the trees as the branches wave back and forth as if in celebration. And the blue sky is burning. As the sun gets buried waiting to rise once more in a couple hours or so. And at this time, i guess its a good idea to start to getting back. My place is not to far away, around the corner around the bend. Just as the city begins to start to disappear in to the blackness of a haunted night. and i get a little paranoid, the bubbles of thought tend to rise up over my head. So i walk a little faster now, trying to make my way back to the origins of this morning. and the clouds seem to succumb to an early death, and the city continues to darken. This is when the people want to come out and play. And as you may or not be able to tell, i am not that well equipped. In the physical sense of the word. And are those the shadows of creatures that lurk in the night. Or is my mind just playing tricks on me. As the peering street lights have a quality to do that to a person. And i have a certain suspicion i am not alone.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The sea is black. and the fog is distasteful. the ground is littered and the people are churning out a slow death in ever record numbers. as the animals are innocent i say. and so lets burn down there houses, and uproot the land. as it gets lonely in here ( with my human condition). so lets get out are guns and do something already. for the fur coats ( and the death of man)
Monday, August 15, 2011
They caught me breathing, the air is still. my arms twitch, and my hands try to wrap around themselves (thumbs out). the buildings replace walls and the walls tower. and i am invisible, attempting or not. its hard to run when your out of breath. as i try to get out of the way of flying objects. even if those might be attached to others. and i slightly move my eyes round the corner to find who might be waiting, watching. i might try to be quiet. all i see now are people walking by inconspicuously, heads down. firmly implanted in mobile devices that make em out like zombies. I decide to continue on my way, roaming my way through the crowd in silence, watching them move in groups. In case i may have to use my feet once more. And the city is cancerous, i can see it spreading. It just so happened on the eastside, slowly making its way through the streets having others (like myself) defend themselves in otherwise some unnatural way. And this isnt the first time. Just an easy target, i guess. And after a something or other amount of time. My feet are sore, my mind drags. I decide to turn my way into a coffee shop up ahead. Order a drink, straight black.And sit outside in the wafting sun as the crowds walk by in a seemingly vegetative state. going back and forth to work, or what have you.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
I tend to disappear when things
get rough. I am made out of water
but i am all dried up.
I am his lungs, blackened and
decayd. I am his heart, broken an
in the way.
Listen to me softly, listen to me
sweet. the suns are dancing, an
the trees are asleep.
My love is silent, frayed. But i
love her madly, at least today.
Wait, do you hear that tune. It must
be the day, the day of the moon.
Keep your eyes up,
for the ground
to be seen
And my stomach burns w/
a nauseating chemical called
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Thursday, July 07, 2011
My hands move back and forth like phantoms. and the light of the city is colored in a distinct pattern of visibility. the people move in shadows, and the buildings are fuzzed, blurred and out of focus. My feet stumble as the sidewalk moves in and out of consciousness. As the clutter builds and the stomach turns. Everywhere i go i cant help but fall asleep. the time goes bye in a minut sense of sensibility. and my head hurts, and my arms sag. i can now see my house standing up off in the near distance. and the road goes off to seemingly nowhere, but i cant wait, but to fall asleep. and the hills are heavy, with the mourning breeze.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
In the woods death takes over. and the trees bend over backwards, warding off the which way i go. I am confused, disoriented, and the ground upheaves itself, bringing about mountains. and i dont know which way is the way. but my hands tremble, as off in the distance shadows appear in and out of nowhere. and home now seems so far away.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
In the summer daze of Ddeath,
the sun grows weary,
of the people below.
And the fog burns,
as the roads boil. and the forest
is all hollowed out of all the trees. the animals lay bare
(slowly disappearing, )
and what a waste so!
Is it not..
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
lets go home o' honey bee. i cant see but dont you mind the grass is long my legs are short. oh dear oh me my house is broken but you dont love me anymore said the hills. the mountains cried that day and the wind is windy and cold. i will sit down beside and imaginate myself without you until the day we die. my arms leak flatulent fluid and my eyes decieve me on a regular basis. i dont mind that you dont lay next to me i can figure out how to love myself all over again. the birds are of in the distance spying on the chickens wondering why they dont escape. the egg scrambled away to find it s friend you say. lets follow him and get hungry as it finds it s way into my sarcofagus. my toenails ache and pain and pull themselves off everynight to go party down the bathtub drain with my dead hair and skin that reconstituted itself into the a more beautiful version of me. the room is clean miss daisy oh, wont you join me inside for tea and stroke my legs for good luck. i bought these glasses in hopes that my iq wont look so stupid to others. i have to say i am sorry my friend but you must be miss informed for i have no friends except for my pool of tears i keep in my bbedroom closest. they are nicely in place in a fishbowl so i can drown myself in my sorrows every night. i am hoping the bathtub wont get jealous since the time it tried to electricute myself. i get down on both knees and pray to it every once in awhile. i am sorry you have to see this but the buttons below my fingers are conspiring against me.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
inside the diner the people are quiet. the waitresses are dressed in a sort of light blueish smock reminiscent of hospital garb. and the whole place looks oddly sanitized. the people sit in comfort as they slowly talk below there breath. as i continue to stand there for a moment of fleeting confusion. a young girl greets us in a soft subtle voice as if avoiding to wake the dead. she stands in a upright and most proper matter. her hair a sunned down blonde. tied back and with a pair of glasses that appear to be a extension of her face. she points out a booth to the back and to the right. and as i look over the menu i order the breakfast special. as the young lady hovers over us glaring down with a glowing dispositon. i face my way across the table and crack a smile. and i can still remember her when she's young. the older she gets though the seemingly more youthful she becomes. an i find myself just then in a state of almost none existence. my mouth won't open and the words glimmer and fade before they fall out of me in mid air. the feeling begins to dim slowly as i start to ask her how she became to get herself in here. she begins to tell me that after i left the problems i had continued to worsen. as if some bubble had burst and the devil had took housing somewhere inside me. ''you always had that quality about you that made everything just kind of wash away. as if all my trouble s had not been there to begin with. '' i sat there, as the flood gates opened and all the memories past came rolling in with the piled up mounds with disease called guilt. and i had no idea, i made things this way. and again she began to speak. '' i don't blame you though.'' '' it would have came boiling up no matter if you where there or not''. i looked at here trying my best to bring my voice up and over my chest. '' i had no idea. it's all my fault then''. '' i am so sorry. for i have regretted that day every since''. everyday afterwards the thought of you would gather up inside me, trying to spew out as i tended to lock them away''. she looked at me sweet eyed and tired. '' really, believe me when i say it's not your fault''. '' you know the childhood i had, i have never blamed you and i never will''. now please lets forget this drab talk, i want to hear more about you''.and so i began. i told her about my marriage, how it had ended, and my life afterward up until this point. omitting the things i thought to early. and so on and so forth. our food showed and the morning went and turned into the rest of the day right in front of us outside or window. we talked about nonsense and times past. but even then all through the day my conscience still bugged me about the reason i came here in the first place. as my nerves where racked. and my mind fogged.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
in the morning the light is stifled. as it tries to make its way through the blinds on the window beside me. i get up and make my way to the living room just outside. i get ready, dressed and suddenly hear the slightest knock on the door. i walk over and turn the knob as it creaks and moans and makes its way open. and there she stood. so beautiful. as her hair huddled down against her shoulders. her eyes a cosmological event. she always had this graceful obscurity to her. something thats out there for everyone and only me too see. as her lips moved the earth shook. ''well good morning sleepy. i thought maybe you would like to go get some breakfast maybe. talk'' . i looked at her with a grin, a smile, and off we went to the diner attached to the main house. as we walked outside through the halls and disappeared in the distance. i continued to ask her what kind of place is this anyway. she gave a little laugh and went on to tell me it is a kind of commune, a hospital, a place for people to come and wind down from whatever troubles they might have.
Monday, January 10, 2011
the stale air outside is dying, and the temperature drops with every minute the day is dead. i knock on the door and the sound reverberates through the walls and echo's in my heart. and as the door creaks open her face is beautiful. and her scornful eyes are happy. her hair is long and as dark as death. with it down, messy and half covering her face. she begins to ask me what i am doing here. and as i might recall me saying that my heart grows weary. inviting me in i find the rooms are full, and the desk in front lays lonely and full of dust. ''and i am sorry i came so late i had to one last time see you''. she gives me this puzzled look, shakes it off, and tell s me that we should talk in the morning as the night is short. '' the guest rooms in the house in the back if you don't mind.'' i nod and begin to follow her down the dark narrow hallway through the house that has no end. she set s me down and the walls are cracked, and chipping with the green paint that falls from the walls. as the light fictures set the room a buzz. the windows are glazed, and the furniture is set in a somewhat idiosyncratic pattern. a strange smell seems to emanate from the walls. from what i cant seem to tell from what form it came. the rug of a dead bear lay in the centre as if hibernating in the shackles of humanity. and in the back to the right lay the bedroom. i make my way over and turn the lights on. inside the room lay bare. a bed, simple side table, and the same cracks in the ceiling that i saw in the walls before. and a nights sleep right now might be the best thng for me. so i turn myself in. and as sleep comes over and the night grows dim.
as i rise up the mountain the trees grow thick, and the sky goes black. the animals dance on the side of the road as the headlights stare out and over the pavement watching ever so subtle movements. and the shadows fall through the cracks of the oncoming light. the frost outside is taking bites of my windshield. and the smell is aggravating. as the city grows dim. the road ahead is going back and forth and thrown all over. my mind wanders in blank statements of unconscious death. and my palms sweat. as the heaters on. i turn the corner and the lights are off. so pulling in the driveway, i stop, open the door, and hear the crunch of the frost below my feet. the air hits me suddenly and begins to huddle against my chest. making it hard to breathe. up ahead the door is closed. the curtains drawn. and the moon is beautiful. i start up the stairs with a sigh in my chest, a step in my feet. and up ahead she's been dead for years. and years before.